Below the Fold

2003-08-02T01:24:00.000-04:00

PERFECTIONISTS NEVER MAKE MITSAKES

I would like to call your attention to the following item, a retraction which appeared in the July 31 edition of the Hillsdale Daily News:

"Correction: A story in the July 26 edition of the Daily News called 'Achieving Success' contained some mistakes."

Ironically, an article the Daily News ran last month called "How to Fail Miserably at Absolutely Everything You Try" has been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.

2003-08-02T01:08:00.000-04:00

NEWS FLASH

This just in:

The Indianapolis Star reports that a stretch of I-65 in Dayton, Indiana, is closed due to a two-vehicle accident that caused a large quantity of film processing chemical to spill from the back of a semi truck.

More details will be available after officials see what develops.

2003-07-16T12:15:00.000-04:00

HOW TO MAKE HORSES HATE US

According to this article from Reuters, entrepreneurs who run horse rental facilities on Rosarito beach in Baja, California, are equipping their horses with diapers in order to cut down on coastal pollution.

During summertime, tourists rent about 150 horses every day from corrals along Rosarito beach. Therein lies the problem:

"Roberto Machado, who has rented horses in Rosarito beach for 23 years, estimates that one horse produces about 57 pounds of manure each day."

Let's do the math. One hundred and fifty horses per day, times 57 pounds per horse... that's slightly less than the daily amount of manure produced by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld!

But I digress. Sure, protecting the environment and cutting down on pollution is a noble cause, but has anyone asked the horses about this?

I did some research on horse diapers, and I came across the website for Equisan Marketing Pty, Ltd., Australia's leaders in equine hygiene. It turns out that a horse diaper is essentially a large plastic pouch that you strap to the horse's hindquarters and underside in order to catch any "business" that the horse needs to take care of. At the end of the day, you can remove the pouch, dump it out, and it's ready to go again. It's simple and efficient, at least for humans. The horses are a different story.

The website has several pictures of horses in diapers. Now, I'm not Doctor Doolittle, so I couldn't tell you exactly what these horses are thinking. But if I had to guess, then I'd say, based solely on their facial expressions, that they're thinking something to the effect of, "I'm wearing my poop in a bag. Please kill me."

We don't want to make horses resent us. It can only lead to bad, bad things. I mean, think about what we've done to monkeys over the centuries. We've dressed them in diapers, fed them with baby bottles, made them wear funny little hats and dance to organ grinders, and let Michael Jackson own one of them. It's no wonder that, in the movie "Planet of the Apes," they evolved and enslaved the human race!

If horses ever develop superior intelligence and take over the planet, we'll be in big trouble. They'll treat us like we've treated them, and that won't be pretty.

And I'm not just talking about diapers. I'm talking about spurs, too.

Yeeowch.

2003-07-12T22:32:00.000-04:00

OFFICER DOWN

Jupiter Courier has story.

Man hears kitten trapped in air duct. Man calls animal control officer. Officer listens to noises. Officer says "kitten" is probably "frog" instead. Snake with frog in mouth pops out of air duct. Officer is right.

Officer climbs ladder to coax snake into net. Snake lunges at officer's face. Officer screams. Officer falls off ladder. Air conditioner breaks officer's fall. And officer's shoulder.

Snake leaves premises. Officer goes to hospital.

Officer comments on situation:

"It was quite funny. I had to laugh so I wouldn't cry."

Frog unavailable for comment.

2003-07-09T15:22:00.000-04:00

WARNING: NEW POSTS COMING SOON. HIDE THE CHILDREN.

In case you've wondered, here's a list of things I've been up to lately:

Graduating from college
Tromping around England and the Scottish Highlands for three weeks
Working for a publishing company
Trying to figure out how to get rid of a pretty bad fade with my 7-iron
Not updating this blog

I'm sure it'll be easier to update this blog than it will be to fix my short game, so I'll concentrate on doing that for a little while. Stay tuned.

2003-05-01T12:44:00.000-04:00

A SAD DAY FOR BASEBALL

According to this article from the Orlando Sentinal, Ozzy, the osprey that Jae-Kuk Ryu hit in the head with a baseball, has finally died.

"He wasn't doing well," said Lynda White, eagle watch coordinator at the [Audobon Birds of Prey] center. "He was real depressed."

White added that, even though Ozzy is dead, he still has a better chance of making it to the playoffs than the Detroit Tigers.

2003-04-25T10:11:00.000-04:00

TERROR UPDATE: DEATH FROM ABOVE

It all started while Jae-kuk Ryu warmed up before a game.

According to this article from WFTV.com, Ryu, a minor league pitcher with the Daytona Cubs, knocked an osprey from its perch with a baseball on Monday night. Ryu had been using the bird for a target while warming up his pitching arm.

The bird suffered a serious eye injury, and veterinarians at a nearby animal clinic aren't sure whether its vision will be permanantly impaired.

Now here's where it gets weird.

The Daytona Cubs are a farm team for their major league counterpart, the Chicago Cubs.

According to this article from the Morton Grove Champion, a high school baseball game in Morton Grove--located just outside Chicago--was interrupted when a hawk flying over the field dropped a dead rabbit on one of the coaches.

The rabbit hit assistant coach Ron Zagorski on the foot, but did not cause serious injury.

This was obviously a warning shot. The hawk wanted to send a message to baseball players that you don't mess with birds, because they can mess with you.

This is why we we need to worry.

The Daytona Cubs have demoted Ryu and shipped him off to play for the Lansing Lugnuts. It could be only a matter of time before angry birds start raining wildlife down on everyone who lives in the Lansing area.

I'm gonna buy a hardhat.

2003-04-24T10:38:00.000-04:00

QUESTION OF THE DAY

How are these two quotes related?

Quote #1:

"In New Jersey, one out of eight babies are born prematurely. That's over 13,000 babies."

Quote #2:

"I didn't chew, I just swallowed. It takes a lot of butter and a lot of concentration."

If you answered, "They both appeared in an article at NJ.com about the 'Broccoli for Babies' eating contest sponsored by Cigna Healthcare," then you are correct.

If you answered, "It must have something to do with swallowing buttered, premature babies whole," then you are a sick person.

2003-04-23T11:00:00.000-04:00

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

Here is an inspirational story from The Daily News.

It's a story of triumph. Of success. Of hope.

It's a story of a man who ran 26 miles in yesterday's Boston Marathon. A man who overcame disease and addiction which could have ruined his life.

A man who, four years ago, weighed 260 pounds and could barely jog 100 yards before stopping and gasping for breath.

The man's name?

Waddle. Kit Waddle.

That is all.

2003-04-22T10:48:00.000-04:00

UNFORTUNATE WAYS TO HAVE YOUR EASTER EGG HUNT INTERRUPTED

Unfortunate Way #1: Bees (from the Long Beach Press Telegram)

An Easter egg hunt at El Dorado Park was spoiled Sunday afternoon when a group of aggressive, possibly Africanized honey bees stung 26 people, officials said.

The bees were agitated by a soccer ball hitting the tree where the hive was, [Long Beach fireman Wayne] Chaney said...

Chaney said the bees were likely Africanized, because of the aggressive way they stung... [City exterminators] took samples of the dead bees to determine whether they're Africanized bees with shorter wingspans.

Africanized honey bees are nearly identical to their European cousins and sting with the same venom. But Africanized bees are much more likely to make a lethal attack in droves of hundreds, while European bees rarely attack in swarms.

Now wait a minute. They think these bees were Africanized instead of European? A frenzied mob of bees goes on a rampage, causing injury and destruction, because they're upset with the way a bunch of people are playing soccer? How are they NOT European? I mean, come on.

Anyway.

Unfortunate Way #2: Burning Cows (from The Daily News)

Lucky the bull is lucky. Despite setting his head on fire early Sunday evening, the 15-month-old bull appears to be fine, said his owner, John Sweet.

The near-disaster began late Sunday afternoon in Rose Valley when Lucky wandered too close to a burn pile. Next door at an Easter egg hunt, neighbors saw the bull running around the pasture with its head ablaze.

The neighbors, not knowing what to do ("What are you supposed to do when a cow catches fire?" said neighbor Susan Gann), called 911. But by the time a rescue crew arrived, the fire had burned itself out.

And Lucky was fine, according to Sweet.

"It just burnt his hair off," [Sweet] said. "They're not like you and me, you know."

2003-04-14T08:47:00.000-04:00

FUN WITH THE CITPAT

Hello, and welcome to another edition of "Fun With the CitPat."

This time, we'll take a look at "Now You Know," a weekly column that answers readers' questions concerning local government, schools, or, as stated in the column, other "matters of curiosity."

"Now You Know" allows readers a chance to ask questions with answers that are hard for the average person to track down. For instance, questions like "How is the date of Easter determined?" and "Who gets the unclaimed bottle deposits from pop bottles and cans that are left lying on the roadways?"

But sometimes, the questions are a little bit more out of the ordinary. Like this one, for example, which appeared in yesterday's paper:

Under what circumstances can you legally kill your pet? A Pulaski township reader.

Now, when I first read this question, I thought, "Well, the wording is a little funny, but the reader is probably just asking about how to get rid of a sick animal."

But then I read it again. And again. And again. And the more I read it, the more I became convinced that this person is just really, really ticked off at their pet and wants to know if stepping on a hairball for the fifteen thousandth time constitutes just cause.

2003-04-12T13:12:00.000-04:00

NOT THE GUY FROM U2

Allow me to introduce you to Below the Fold's long-lost older brother.

It's called The Edge, and it's a column that appears five days a week in the Portland Oregonian.

Whoever puts together The Edge collects odd news stories, strange quotes and bizarre facts from other media sources, and then publishes them in a daily newspaper column. It's exactly the same principle that this blog was founded on, and it comforts me to know that at least one person in the world is able to do this kind of thing for a regular paycheck.

Here are some choice tidbits from the last week or two of The Edge. Enjoy.

From the April 9 edition:

Decibels of sound pressure sufficient to ignite a person's hair: 165

Length of time it took Britain to defeat Zanzibar in an 1896 war: 38 minutes

Of course, according to the Iraqi Information Minister, Zanzibar was not defeated by Britain. In fact, British troops were slaughtered by the thousands and the fighting is still going on today.

From the April 5 edition:

From The Bozeman Chronicle's police blotter:

"A man in a chicken suit and a man in a cow suit were reportedly wandering around a parking lot on South 11th Avenue at 12:45 a.m. Tuesday. The man in the cow suit was allegedly wearing an afro wig."

Not a lot happens in Bozeman, does it?

And finally, from the April 2 edition:

A Belgian mayor has set up a Department of Tenderness. "People don't cuddle anymore and that's the reason why there are so many conflicts," said Kruibeke Mayor Antoine Denert. "I will set an example and start in my own village by caressing, cuddling and kissing as many people as possible."

This is just another disturbing example of a European public official going completely nuts. See my March 17th post for more details.

2003-04-02T11:20:00.000-05:00

POULTRY IN MOTION

According to this story from the Record Online, a semi truck carrying 7,000 live chickens crashed into a house in southern New York on Sunday morning.

"Sullivan County sheriff's deputies said the tractor-trailer driven by Ricky Bachman, 43, of Winfield, Pa., veered off the roadway on Route 42 South about 1 a.m. at the corner of Dingle Daisy Road, near the Town of Forestburgh line. Sheriff's Lt. Gary Barsky said Bachman tried to correct the truck's direction, but the truck tipped and struck a house owned by Abbe Gruber at 3186 Route 42."

The main reason I wanted to bring this story to your attention is to tell you that "The Dingle Daisy Chicken Collision" would make a good name for an emo band.

That is all.

2003-03-31T12:12:00.000-05:00

SEND IN THE NUNS

Well, we've been at war for just about two weeks now, and I'm still not sure whether to be in favor of it or not.

On one hand, I think Saddam Hussein has the potential to be very dangerous, and that it's a good thing we're trying to remove him from power before he can do some serious harm to our safety.

On the other hand, I'm still waiting for our military to discover some kind of chemical weapon more powerful than Lysol Tub 'n' Tile Cleaner. Until we do, I'm going to remain skeptical about our whole rationale for attacking Iraq because they failed to disarm.

In the meantime, I've decided to practice writing anti-war protest songs so I'll be ready to quit my job and play guitar at rallies full-time if things should turn ugly over there.

The problem is, I don't have any actual anti-war experiences of my own to write about, so I have to borrow experiences from other people for inspiration. And I think I've found a very profound and moving story to write my first song about (link via Yahoo News).

Here's what I've written so far:

If I had a hammer
I'd hammer in the morning
I'd hammer in the evening
All over this land
I'd hammer out danger
I'd hammer out a warning
I'd hammer on a Minuteman III missile silo after I've drawn a cross on it with my own blood as a form of anti-war protest, just like I did with a fighter jet at Peterson Air Force Base in the year 2000, oh and did I mention I'm a nun?
All over this land

Well, there it is. Is it a keeper or not? Let me know what you think.

2003-03-28T15:21:00.000-05:00

GUNS AND GRANNIES

According to this story from GoUpstate.com, Margaret Summey, a 64-year-old widow from Duncan, South Carolina, shot a man in the leg after he broke into her home last Thursday afternoon.

Sometime around 1:00 p.m., the man rang Summey's doorbell. When she didn't answer, he moved a trash can under a bedroom window, smashed the window with a brick, and made his way into Summey's kitchen.

Summey, thinking on her feet, made an important decision.

"I went straight and got the .357 Magnum," she said.

Summey snuck down a utility room hallway to a locked door that led to her kitchen. She dropped to the floor, where she could see the man through the gap between the door and the floor. She waited until she saw him come closer to the door, then fired her Magnum through the closed door in the man's direction.

Summey is not an old woman that you want to mess with. Many widows her age are into crocheting or playing Bingo or something. They might even have a Clapper so they can turn off lights in their house without getting out of bed. Summey owns a gun that can fire through a two-inch-thick door. If she needed to turn a lamp off from across the room, she'd probably shoot the light bulb.

This is not to say that Summey is careless with firearms, or has no regard for her own personal property. In fact, Summey's home decor had everything to do with her choice of weaponry.

"I would have used the shotgun [instead of the Magnum], but I had just had new countertops done and I didn't want to tear up the kitchen."

So how did Summey get to be so fearless? According to her twin brother, Edwin Johnson, it has a lot to do with her upbringing.

"She was raised up with three brothers. Dadgum right she had to be tough," he said.

Ms. Summey reminds me of Doris, the lady who lives across the road from me. Doris is an older lady who grew up in the hills of Kentucky, and, to put it frankly, she's not an easy person to intimidate.

One day, Doris was working in her back yard when a bullet flew over her head and hit a tree. Rather than freak out and run inside the house for cover, she dropped what she was doing and walked to the house down the road where the bullet came from.

When she got there, she found two 15-year-old boys shooting at a target with a .22 rifle. The boys had placed the target so that they had to shoot toward Doris' house rather than into the acres and acres of woods behind them. It is not likely that either of these boys could have successfully matched wits with an unplugged toaster.

Doris approached the boys, who were reloading the gun at the time. "Boys," she said, "where I come from, I learned that if bullets fly in your direction, you send some of your own right back at 'em. So unless you want things to get ugly, you need to move the target or else put that gun away until you've got brains enough to use it right."

Doris is the coolest neighbor we've ever had.

2003-03-25T12:30:00.000-05:00

STORIES THAT END IN "DOH," VOL. 2

I see a bright and promising future ahead for this man (story from Independent Online):

"An English machine operator lost part of his thumb in a workplace accident, then lost a chunk of a finger on his other hand while trying to demonstrate to bosses how the first accident happened, his company said on Thursday."

The man, whose name is Keith Sanderson, sliced off part of his right thumb with a guillotine machine while working in a kitchen countertop factory.

That sounds bad enough, but some people just don't learn. A little while later, Sanderson lost part of his left index finger while showing his bosses what happened the first time.

Comedian Bill Engvall has a great routine about how manufacturers put warning labels on products to keep people from doing stupid things with them. He mentions how, when he changed a fan belt on his car, a warning label said to stop the motor before changing the belt. Engvall says:

"Wouldn't you love to have been there the first time that happened? Some guy walks into the house and his hands are all cut up. His friends say, 'Hey, Walt, what happened!?'

'Well, uh... I'm gonna give you boys a little tip. If you're gonna put a fan belt on a car, you better shut that motor off first! You can't stop it with your hands, man! It's like a machine or something!"

Evidently, Mr. Sanderson missed the warning label on the guillotine machine which said: "Warning! Do not place hand under blade! Also, do not demonstrate effects of placing hand under blade because eventually you will run out of fingers."

2003-03-17T15:44:00.000-05:00

THIS AIN'T NO "BILLY BASS"

You know, some stories are just a bunch of carp (link from The Observer):

"An obscure Jewish sect in New York has been gripped in awe by what it believes to be a mystical visitation by a 20lb carp that was heard shouting in Hebrew, in what many Jews worldwide are hailing as a modern miracle."

Many people in the 7,000-member Skver sect, located in New Square, about 30 miles north of Manhattan, believe God revealed Himself in the body of the fish.

Zalmen Rosen and Luis Nivelo, fish-cutters from New Square, claim they were about to slaughter the carp when it suddenly began shouting apocalyptic warnings in Hebrew.

"'It said "Tzaruch shemirah" and "Hasof bah",' [Rosen] told the New York Times, 'which essentially means that everyone needs to account for themselves because the end is near'."

Now, that's one smart fish. If I was a talking fish and someone was about to whomp me with a club and slice me open, I would have just yelled, "No! Don't club me!" But this fish was savvy enough to skip the simple plea for mercy, which people usually ignore anyway, and take the old "tell 'em they can't kill you because they need you" approach instead ("You're going to Hell unless you listen to me!"). That kind of thing always works for bad guys in movies, but unfortunately it didn't quite work for the fish:

"The animated carp commanded Rosen to pray and study the Torah. Rosen tried to kill the fish but injured himself. It was finally butchered by Nivelo and sold."

This looks like a classic case of history repeating itself. God comes to Earth in a fleshly form and tries to teach Jewish people how to please Him; before too long, these same Jewish people get really upset and kill Him. No word yet on whether Rosen and Nivelo sold this fish for 30 pieces of silver.

Speaking of history repeating itself, Lithuania's president is reliving a few chapters from Russia's past.

According to this story from Reuters, Lithuanian President Rolandas Paksas has gotten himself into trouble after publicly announcing his faith in Lena Lolisvili, a mystic faith healer.

Lithuanians refer to Lolisvili as "Rasputin," after the mystic who influenced Russia's Tsar Nicholas II in the early 1900s. But Lolisvili is no ordinary mystic:

"Lolisvili, an ethnic Georgian who claims God tells her the future and energises toilet paper she then wraps around her patients, told Paksas in 1996 he would become president...

...Paksas has said Lolisvili helped him when he was ill, but has never given details of his treatment."

Paksas' faith has caused an uproar among Lithuanian citizens, who fear global ridicule because of their president's remarks:

"'Lithuania risks becoming the laughing stock of the world for the next five years,' its largest newspaper, Lietuvos Rytas, said in an editorial on Friday."

As an American, I want to encourage the Lithuanian people not to worry. Our president's remarks have made us a target of global ridicule for just over two years now, and it hasn't been so bad.

However, given the recent conflict between the United States and the United Nations over the Iraq situation, I am just a little bit concerned that the leader of a U.N. member country believes in mystic toilet paper. I am also concerned that the U.N. headquarters is located near a community of people who listen to talking fish.

Maybe the U.N.'s judgment isn't so sound. Maybe President Bush is doing the right thing. And maybe, just maybe, war with Iraq is necessary after all.

I don't know exactly where to stand on this issue. I guess I'll have to talk it over with the ghost of my breakfast cereal the next time it appears to me in a dream.

2003-03-10T10:31:00.000-05:00

STORIES THAT END IN "DOH!" (VOL. 1)

Your parents had a good reason for teaching you to look both ways before crossing the street, as this story from South Africa's News24.com illustrates:

(BETHLEHEM) -- A man was killed on Saturday when he was hit by a car while he crossed the road after he checked if his sister was injured after her car overturned.

The man, Phillip Kok, was following his sister Estelle home after leaving their older brother's wedding. Estelle lost control of her car and flipped it over. The story continues:

Phillip went to see whether Estelle had been injured. As he crossed the road to return to [his] own vehicle he was hit by a a car and died on the spot.

Wow. You talk about your bad luck. And to make things worse, just as the ambulance arrived, it blew a tire, slid off the side of the road, and rolled end-over-end down a steep embankment where it burst into flames. Rescue workers managed to extract the ambulance crew from the wreckage and fly them by helicopter to the nearest hospital.

But shortly after the helicopter took off, it flew past a wildlife preserve and into the flight path of a small family of endangered Rudd larks, which were sucked into the helicoptor's rotors. The damaged helicopter then crashed into a nearby orphanage.

2003-03-08T12:02:00.000-05:00

WHY I WRITE

Some people have wondered, as our economy collapses and the world teeters on the brink of nuclear war, why I choose to write about things like reality TV for dogs and people who make musical instruments out of carrots.

I believe that if you read this article from the Boulder News/Daily Camera, you might better understand why I'm drawn to this kind of subject matter.

The story is about the second annual Frozen Dead Guy Days in Nederland, Colorado. I will not say much about the article, because my words would only detract from its beauty. I will only encourage you to read it and gain a new appreciation for the world we live in. (An actual quote from the article: "This festival is like the Mardi Gras of cryonics.")

As a side note, Steff vonMende, another Nederland resident, will attempt on Tuesday to break the Guinness World Record for number of oysters eaten in 90 seconds. The current record stands at 64 oysters, which is 64 more oysters than I've considered eating in my entire life. (I strictly adhere to certain rules when it comes to the food I eat, and one of these rules is to never eat meat that's served inside the animal's original body. Oysters fall under this category.)

You can read about vonMende and the oyster eating contest here.

2003-03-05T10:06:00.000-05:00

PUTTING THE "HIGH" IN "HIGH NOON"

Izra Nowitzke wasn't having a very good time. His wife had left him, he had financial problems, and, to top it off, his truck had just broken down. It was just too much for him to handle. So he did what anyone would do in his situation: Dress up like a cowboy, climb to the top of a bridge, and twirl a lasso around while threatening to kill himself.

According to Lt. Mike Rushing, a Florida Highway Patrol spokesman, Nowitzke, who lives in Polk City, called a tow truck early Friday morning to pull his truck to his brother's house in Tampa. As the tow truck driver crept slowly over the Sunshine Skyway Bridge because of heavy fog, Nowitzke jumped out of the tow truck, and grabbed a lasso from the back of his pickup. The story (from the Sarasota Herald-Tribune) continues:

Nowitzke climbed 50 to 60 feet above the bridge, then threatened to jump, said Hillsborough Sheriff's Office Maj. Gary Terry.

"He twirled it (the lasso) around like he was trying to rope a calf," Rushing said. "I thought I'd seen it all, but I've never seen anything like this before."

Traffic was stopped in both directions [for two hours] as rescue workers tried to get Nowitzke to come down.

When he finally came down, he was taken to a Pinellas County hospital for mental health evaluation. You may be wondering, "Was Mr. Nowitzke, by any chance, smoking crack cocaine at the time of this incident?" Allow Lt. Rushing to answer that question for you.

Nowitzke told negotiators he had been smoking crack cocaine, Rushing said.

Now, as sorry as we should feel for Mr. Nowitzke, I think this story should cause us to worry even more about the safety and well-being of President Bush. Why? Let's compare the facts:

Nowitzke: Dressed like a cowboy
Bush: Occasionally dresses like a cowboy

Nowitzke: Has a brother who lives in Florida
Bush: Has a brother who lives in Florida

Nowitzke: Smoked crack cocaine
Bush: May have smoked crack cocaine, but if he did, he was in his twenties and doesn't remember anymore

Nowitzke: Feels alone because his wife left him
Bush: Feels alone because he is the only Head of State in the entire world who can see how big of a threat Saddam Hussein poses

Nowitzke: Has major financial problems
Bush: Has major financial problems (See also: toilet, flushing of U.S. economy down the)

As you can see, the similarities are striking. What happened to Nowitzke could easily happen to the President. We should all keep a very close eye on him.

2003-03-03T11:21:00.000-05:00

From the February 26 edition of the Winnipeg Free Press:

A Queen's Bench justice dismissed an appeal bid yesterday by a university professor who has spent five years fighting a $59 ticket he received for running a stop sign.

Rod Yellon, an associate professor at the University of Manitoba, was convicted of the traffic infraction last February after managing to have the case adjourned nine times.

He received the ticket in March 1998 but chose to fight it on the grounds that the word "Stop" is too vague and that stop signs don't have standards of calibration or testing.

When he was unsuccessful in gaining a 10th adjournment last February, Yellon stormed out of court during a break.

Provincial Judge Murray Howell chose to continue the trial anyway and convicted Yellon in his absence.

Let's get this straight. Yellon runs a stop sign, gets a ticket, goes to court, and has his trial postponed NINE times over four years before finally being convicted at his tenth appearance in court, which he doesn't technically attend because he throws a tantrum and leaves the courthouse partway through the hearing. Then he appeals the decision on the grounds that convicting him when he wasn't in the room violated his right to a fair trial. A judge denies the appeal, and Yellon has to fork over $59 for a traffic ticket and (this is merely speculation on my part) somewhere in the neighborhood of a gazillion dollars in court costs.

Even John Grisham couldn't think up a plot like this.

All this because, according to Yellon, the word "Stop" leaves a lot to the imagination. For instance, it doesn't necessarily mean "Cause your vehicle to cease forward motion on the roadway at a point near, but not in, the intersection, until the road is free of all objects that could collide with your vehicle and prevent you from safely crossing the intersection." The word "stop," by itself, leaves questions like these open to interpretation: "What's supposed to stop?"; "Stop where? On the sidewalk?"; "Stop when, exactly?"; "Stop what? Stop breathing? Stop slowing down? Stop running over people in crosswalks?"

While Yellon technically has a point, his argument just wasn't good enough for the judge. It's too bad that Yellon lives in Canada. Here in the United States, we almost ALWAYS let people off in court when they argue about the definition of even the simplest words. Heck, we even invite these people back later for jury duty!

Oh, by the way, Bill Clinton was summoned for jury duty last Friday.

2003-03-01T18:11:00.000-05:00

THIS GUY IS FALLING

According to this article from Expatica, maybe flying coach isn't so bad after all:

PARIS, Feb 25 (AFP) - The body of an African man who had stowed away in the landing-gear of an aircraft bound for Paris fell to earth as the plane came in to land early Tuesday, landing on the conservatory of a suburban home, French police said.

The article doesn't give many more details concerning the actual death of the man, but based on some information I found about other airplane stowaways, he likely was still alive when the landing-gear compartment opened up, dumping him out of the plane thousands of feet above Paris.

Isn't that sickening? I can't think of a more terrible, frightening way to spend your last moments alive. I mean, FRANCE, of all places.

According to the article, the owner of the home discovered the man's body on the roof first thing in the morning. This leads me to wonder two things.

First, what does a body crashing into a rooftop from thousands of feet in the air sound like? ("WHUMP," probably.) Second, why would the homeowner not investigate something like that until the next day?

WHUMP!
WIFE (bolting upright): "What was that!? It sounded like it came from the roof!"
HUSBAND (groggy): "Huh? Wha... It's probably just Santa, dear... (yawning) Now go back to slee--zzzzzzzz..."

As far-fetched as that may sound, you need to understand that Santa's had his share of accidents. Take, for instance, this item from the "Memories of Yesteryear" column in the November 26, 1999, issue of the Jonesville Independent, my weekly hometown newspaper:

"35 years ago: November 19, 1964
Santa Claus is planning to visit the kiddies at the Chamber of Commerce-sponsored free movie on December 19. To make it easy on the parents, we hope he 'arrives' on the ground. Last year in another locality, all the kids in town had gathered to watch him drop by parachute on a distant field. When the chute failed to open, it took some real doing to convince a number of frantic youngsters that Santa was not hurt and would be waiting for them in town."

The column doesn't say where this incident actually occurred. Buf if it happened anywhere near Jonesville, one thing is for sure: Those traumatized youngsters grew up to become the parents of the people I went to high school with. And believe me, that explains a lot.

2003-02-27T22:53:00.000-05:00

THE BEST-LAID PLANS

Please excuse the lack of activity on this site lately. I've had a very stressful week, culminating with the discovery that I might not technically have enough academic credits to graduate in May after all. This is very disheartening to me because, as a communications major, it means I won't be able to start working at McDonald's until SEPTEMBER.

But sooner or later I'll get everything figured out. In the meantime, you can expect some new and improved things from this blog, including:

Regular postings every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday!
A semi-weekly column that you can read online or get by e-mail once I finish writing the first one!
That's basically it!

So stay tuned, and I'll see you on Saturday.

2003-02-18T12:37:00.000-05:00

WORD OF THE DAY: "GURKOPHONE"

Reuters has a story about a band playing in London this week that represents the new face of music. Move over, J. Lo; get out of the way, L'il Romeo; and, while you're at it, roll over, Beethoven--it's the First Vienna Vegetable Orchestra:

The First Vienna Vegetable Orchestra says it will cook up a storm with its carrot flutes, leek violins, celery bongos and aubergine cymbals.

Supported by the occasional use of kitchen utensils such as spoons and food processors, the orchestra has been a hit in its hometown Venna.

The First Vienna Vegetable Orchestra are also pioneers of the gurkophone, an instrument made from a hollowed cucumber, a pepper and a carrot. I mention this fact simply because "gurkophone" is the second-coolest word I've heard in 2003. (The first is "absquatulate.") Anyway:

Once the instruments are worn out, the musicians, and a conductor who doubles as cook, toss each one into a stewpot to make soup--to be enjoyed by the audience after the concert.

In other words: Guys, this is a perfect cheap date opportunity. You'd be a sucker to pass this one up. ("It's a concert AND dinner, honey! Why are you looking at me like that?")

I have posted, for your listening pleasure, some mp3 samples of the orchestra's music, showcasing their mastery of various genres from classical to techno to whatever this is.

Also, check out the orchestra's website to see pictures of all the instruments. Be sure to read the FAQ--you'll be amazed at what you'll learn. For instance, until today, I did not know that rotten cucumbers have poor sound quality. I'm sure that information will benefit me in some way in the future.

2003-02-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WASHING MACHINE?

Well, whenever "Miss American Dog" does go on the air, I suspect business will pick up for Takayoshi Nakae's dog laundromat (link via Local6) and Candy Conino's Pêt à Porter.

2003-02-12T00:30:00.000-05:00

TAKING THE PHRASE "SHE'S A REAL DOG" TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL

According to this Washington Post story, Mike Darnell, the FOX TV executive who has created such reality shows as When Animals Attack; Busted on the Job; When Good Pets Go Bad; World's Scariest Police Chases; Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction?;, Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?; Temptation Island; Celebrity Boxing; American Idol; Joe Millionaire; Man vs. Beast; and Bridezillas, is hard at work creating what will likely be the most spectacular television show ever:

Another Darnell project in the making is "Miss American Dog," in which dogs representing all 50 states will be judged, according to early publicity, "on beauty, talent, poise and evening wear."

This man must be stopped at all cost. I don't know why we're even bothering with Saddam Hussein; Darnell poses a much greater threat to the American public. Not even Colin Powell has any evidence of Saddam encouraging people to dress Rottweilers in high heels and slinky off-the-shoulder gowns.

2003-02-10T10:19:00.000-05:00

The following letter to the editor appeared in the Voice of the People section of Sunday's Jackson Citizen Patriot:

A MORE REMOTE HONKER

JACKSON -- I thought perhaps your readers might be interested in this unusual but useful tip that my son accidentally stumbled upon.

He works for a large automobile manufacturer; sometimes he must find a car in a large parking area for testing purposes. He doesn't know what the car looks like or where it is, but he does have a remote that will honk the horn of the car in question. Normally you have to be within 30 feet or so to use the remote. He found that if he put the remote against his Adam's apple and opened his mouth wide, he could increase the range of the remote by about three times. -- Robert E. Damm

Well, move over Thomas Edison, there's a new kid on the block.

I am, of course, kidding. In all seriousness, I would like to know this: What in the world do you have to do to accidentally discover something like this? Was this guy just really bored? Was he wandering aimlessly through the parking lot for the 50th time that day, watching the minutes tick by like hours, pretending that he was The Locksmith, a superhero who could shoot car unlocking rays out of his mouth?

Probably not. In all likelihood, this letter is probably just a brilliant practical joke. I bet somebody made up this story to get people to look like idiots. Imagine the satisfaction you'd get from sending this story into the paper and then watching people at the mall jab themselves in the neck with their remotes, thinking they can unlock their cars from farther away. Wouldn't that be great? Especially if touching the remote to their skin and pressing the button gives them a small electric shock, like when you lick a battery?

I doubt it actually gives you a shock, but I don't know for sure. I'm definitely not planning to try this any time soon. However, I have heard that you can boost the signal to your cell phone if you insert the antenna up your nostril while you're dialing. Maybe I'll give that a try instead.

2003-02-08T12:56:00.000-05:00

DEWEY DEFEATS COLUMBIA

Craphound has this story, which originally appeared on the Washington Post's website at 8:30 a.m. on Saturday, Feb. 1. For those of you who are no good with dates, that was about 20 minutes before the space shuttle Columbia was supposed to land.

The story begins:

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla -- With security tighter than usual, space shuttle Columbia streaked toward a Florida touchdown Saturday to end a successful 16-day scientific research mission that included the first Israeli astronaut.

But that's not all. Later in the article:

The only problem of note was a pair of malfunctioning dehumidifiers, which temporarily raised temperatures inside the laboratory to the low 80s, 10 degrees higher than desired.

And then this:

Some of Columbia's crew members didn't want their time in space to end.

"Do we really have to come back?" astronaut David Brown jokingly asked Mission Control before the ride home.

Well. Um. Oops.

It's an old newspaper trick to write the obituaries of celebrities ahead of time, keep them on file, and update them periodically. That way, when someone dies, a reporter can pull up the file, add a few sentences about the circumstances of their death, and have the story on the wires within fifteen minutes. Writing a story early is a great way to save time and effort when news breaks.

But in this case, that trick backfired a little bit. This story was written early so that it could go live within minutes of the shuttle's landing. It could have been posted early by accident, or an editor could have posted it early, thinking it didn't make any difference. We don't know what really happened. But it does go to show the carelessness of the media. And it should make us read our newspapers with a bit more caution. Not everything that appears in print is accurate, and that can be a dangerous thing. One little mistake, one little error, can have drastic consequences.

On another note, this story says a little bit about human nature, too. We tend to think everything will go as planned; that everything is fine; and that, somehow, everything will be okay tomorrow. We don't like to think that anything will go wrong. Sure, we might plan for the little things, like bad weather or getting stuck in traffic. But the possibility that maybe we won't make it home from work that day never enters our minds. People in Texas certainly never thought that debris from a billion-dollar machine from outer space would land on their front porch. The reporter was just doing his or her job like always and certainly didn't assume anything would be different about this shuttle landing, since all but one of the previous 116 missions had gone off without a hitch.

Things can and do go wrong. Be careful what you take for granted.

2003-02-06T11:53:00.000-05:00

THIS JUST IN: PEPSI IS "WACK"

The world is on its way to "H-Town" in a handbasket, "dog."

I base this observation on this story from Yahoo! News, which says that a group called the Hip-Hop Summit Action Network is boycotting Pepsi for yanking a commercial featuring foul-mouthed rapper Ludacris last year but running a commercial featuring foul-mouthed heavy metal singer Ozzy Osbourne during the Super Bowl.

The article states:

Angered at Pepsi for placing foul-mouthed Ozzy Osbourne in a Superbowl commercial only months after yanking rapper Ludacris for his vulgar language, hip hop icon Russell Simmons said Tuesday he will announce this weekend plans for a boycott against the soft drinks giant, accusing Pepsi of applying a double standard in a wack (hip-hop slang for displeasing) manner.

Now, I'm not usually one to get involved in a debate like this, but if Pepsi's actions are indeed as wack as Mr. Simmons claims they are, then I say we need to take action immediately. Let the people of this fine country speak! Let every man, woman and child from New York to Los Angeles free themselves from the bonds of soft drink oppression and revel in the freedom of beverages like milk, water, and Coca-Cola products! May the rivers of the syrupy-sweet nectar known as Pepsi cease flowing from every beverage dispenser in the land! And may everyone who hears the noble call of the Hip-Hop Summit Action Network be down with that, yo.

In other hip-hop slang-related news:

WASHINGTON, D.C.(AP) -- In an address to the U.N. Security Council on Wednesday morning, Secretary of State Colin Powell said that the U.S. would have no choice but to attack Iraq unless Saddam Hussein stops being such a playa hater.